The vanity of existence

I’m still figuring this one out myself, as it’s pretty complex and not a cookie cutter definition , it’s different for everyone but the traits and the root of it may stem from the same place. I can only speak from my experience and by no means I am recovered as I am still work-in-progress. I am merely sharing my view on it.

Co-dependency is an tricky little bastard that wears multiple masks. It makes you believe you’re “doing” everything for every one, nobody does anything for you. That you’re the one and only person that cares, that’s available, that pays attention. That you never do enough, won’t ever be enough, and in “their” eyes, you’ll never be good enough. It tells you that when someone is sad, mad or sick, it’s your job to make them feel happy, calm them down and make them feel better. Why? Because that’s what friends, family and/or do! If you don’t, you’re an awful person and they will be mad at you, talk crap about you and won’t like you anymore.Basically, you are a mind-reader. You know what everyone is thinking. About you, about themselves, about what they’re thinking about you as it relates to themselves. And it’s never good. So in order for you to feel good, about you, you have to make them feel better.It sucks the life out a person. It presents itself as anger, depression, empathy, self-doubt, fear, insecurity, controlling, manipulation, always giving - never receiving, over-reacting, feeling responsible for other peoples feelings, actions, choices, well-being, or lack of well-being. Saying yes when you mean no.Changing yourself, your beliefs, who you are, to please them.How you feel, doesn’t matter. What you want, doesn’t matter. YOU don’t matter.

Fast forward to now…I think I’m very much like my mom, and that’s very painful to acknowledge. All the love that I never got, I tried to look for it in others ,or in the wrong people. I never knew what it meant to “love yourself”. I still find the act difficult to do or feel guilty caring for myself. It feels selfish and artificial. Whereas it feels purposeful and natural to love and care someone, yet feels torturous when that love and care isn’t reciprocated back. I think that is why narcissists and codependents are attracted to each other. One gives while others take. One is willing to work harder to please, while the other continues to take and only gives back a little(although it isn’t genuine) thus making it a vicious cycle of trauma bonding. 

The sacrifices I make are not usually noticed by anyone. I am often left without meeting my own needs. I come second mostly. I have come to know that if I keep putting me on the back burner I will eventually have regrets and become bitter. I know my codependency is Trauma Bond related. I can't let go. I can't say good bye.I become devastated at knowing a relationship ended.I will put up with what is not acceptable in order to maintain the relationship. I will exhaust my every option before I choose to walk away ,I know I am doing this, but I want what I want. The pattern, the cycle that is repeated in a dysfunctional relationship, dysfunctional mind set will forever lead to unhappy life unless we identify the patterns we so commonly live with because it is all we know. The putting up with, the patience, the less than we deserve, the excuses made for someone's bad behaviour or reason for not better considering us. Is some how worth it or paid in full at “ I love you make up time.

When I can't separate myself from the identity of the relationship. I am yours and I am not able to see myself as just me,When I depend on you to be me.

So how do you break the cycle? How do you not feel this way? Is there a right answer to it? 

I think the first step is to recognize. you want someone to take you out of the broken place you find yourself in. If you were not so broken, you would not feel so heavily attracted to those who give you an unwordly feeling of being rescued.Because you would notice the toxic strings attached. And the restraints of those strings, is not the confining place you want to find yourself locked into.In fact, when you feel the need to be rescued by another, that just shows you have been running from yourself.You have been unwilling to face the parts of you which have developed into a mal-adjusted, co-dependent, insecure place.Instead, you have allowed these parts of you to progressively flourish, overpowering your now dormant sense of personal agency.An important part of you is as good as dead, or perhaps in a coma, deep deep slumber.You have come to believe your solution resides outside of you, and not inside of you, and given how long you have been in this place you now fear facing the guilt which comes with accepting you have been looking for love and your overall source of well-being in all the wrong places.No-one can rescue you.If you are unable to tap into the parts of you which are the source of the trouble, no one else can do this for you.However, if you are able to do the work, people surface into your experience who can support you.The devil lies in the detail, always does.Take a new approach.Distract yourself a little.Learn to be less judgmental.Try to have a slightly more optimistic view on life, compared to your current state.Meditate? Pray? 

Stop running from yourself.

Just, stop it.

You are tired of it, and so are others.

You will have to face yourself sooner or later anyway, might as well dance to the music now.

Do that, and you might just find your answers.