SAUDADE

Life is suppose to have meaning...something to live for, something to look forward to,HOPE…just a four lettered word with immense power. 

Sometimes darkness can be your best comfort, for it contains many truths that can bring the light to its knees.If recent events have taught me anything that’s not to believe your heart,instead go with your brain..!Calculate! Assess! then only conclude! Above everything else ,Guard your heart at all costs, for its the wellspring of life.

I keep asking myself…will I ever stop feeling the constant desire for something that doesn’t and prolly cannot exist? 

It’s the soul that aches, not the heart, it’s my sanity that I question,not how I felt ,did I Imagine that? Was it all in my head? In your arms I melted to my core,I forgot where you began and I ended- oh boy! What I wouldn’t give just to feel that once more—just once more! The way he’s able to take me to a mystical land that few people, regardless of their age, ever see, much less inhabit. With him …how do I describe in words.. there’s an energy that pulls me towards him,together like uncontrollable magnets.Everything about him feels good..oh! Darling, my good time,bad time and everything in between , my slice of heavenly boy! You make my world feel blissfully cosmic ,he brings out the tranquil side in me.I could have sworn I couldn’t love you anymore than I did, but then you go ahead and prove me wrong, every time I see your face, I fall in love with you all over again, each time a little more- a little harder.  

All my life I’ve always thought myself as someone  who can read others easily,a good judge of character, how could I have been so wrong? Did I not know his heart at all? Was I too blinded by emotions? Was I so intoxicated indulging? I keep asking myself why? Why wasn’t I enough? what did I do? Trying to reminisce to the moment I suddenly became nothing. 

But then you made me feel like I’m crazy,that it’s my fault, with you gone I felt the lowest of lows and by you highest of highs.I haven’t felt sane or at peace without you. Like a shadow is always following me, waiting and chanting for me to fall back through. A sense of 'peace’ found, while destroying my mind, my body and my life. Some part of me claims 'it was worth it’ for you showing me just how bad, how overpowering your hold is.what hurts the most is I willed myself to believe you , succumbed myself to let you consume me wholly however you wanted no questions asked,shed all my layers ,unveiled all my naked,raw vulnerabilities, yet it wasn’t enough,Maybe If I forgot how you made me feel, I can move on. 

When you lose someone ….You don’t just lose them, you also lose the plans you had , the hopes you had for the future, the expectations ..you really lose a part of you,there’s a big part of you that changes, that you that existed when you were with them,that person can never fully comeback ,At least not in the same way…it’s like an identity crisis..that’s why it’s so sad…it’s not just about missing them…but also it’s about mourning the part of yourself that you lost along the way…it’s okay to feel broken right now..because it’s a testament ..of what you had and the impact that it had on your life …for better or for worse …it takes time to rediscover and redefine who you are outside of that relationship ..it’s all part of the process ,love as feeble as it maybe right now,I’m a firm believer in “happily ever after’s”… so for the time being hand over my heart I’m holding onto even the tiniest bit of HOPE. Will the chaos you aroused in me erupt or am I just going to burn along until there’s no more???